


what's going on-on? Ding, ding This is the Crazy Frog

by orphan_account



Category: british people - Fandom
Genre: Gen, Slurs, tw gay ppl
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-13
Updated: 2021-01-13
Packaged: 2021-03-18 03:35:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28736592
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Relationships: dababy/everyone





	what's going on-on? Ding, ding This is the Crazy Frog

Ring ding ding daa baa  
Baa aramba baa bom baa barooumba  
Wh-wha-what's going on-on?  
Ding, ding  
This is the Crazy Frog  
Ding, ding  
Bem, bem!  
Ring ding ding ding ding ding  
Ring ding ding ding bem bem bem  
Ring ding ding ding ding ding  
Ring ding ding ding baa baa  
Ring ding ding ding ding ding  
Ring ding ding ding bem bem bem  
Ring ding ding ding ding ding  
This is the Crazy Frog  
Breakdown!  
Ding, ding  
Br-br-break it, br-break it  
Dum dum dumda dum dum dum  
Dum dum dumda dum dum dum  
Dum dum dumda dum dum dum  
Bem, bem!  
Dum dum dumda dum dum dum  
Dum dum dumda dum dum dum  
Dum dum dumda dum dum dum  
This is the Crazy Frog  
A ram me ma bra ba bra bra rim bran  
Dran drra ma mababa baabeeeaaaaaaa!  
Ding, ding  
This is the Crazy Frog  
Ding, ding  
Da, da  
Ring ding ding ding ding ding  
Ring ding ding ding bem bem bem  
Ring ding ding ding ding ding  
Ring ding ding ding baa baa  
Ring ding ding ding ding ding  
Ring ding ding ding bem bem bem  
Ring ding ding ding ding ding  
This is the Crazy Frog  
Ding, ding  
Br-br-break it, br-break it  
Dum dum dumda dum dum dum  
Dum dum dumda dum dum dum  
Dum dum dumda dum dum dum  
Bem, bem!  
Dum dum dumda dum dum dum  
Dum dum dumda dum dum dum  
Dum dum dumda dum dum dum  
This is the Crazy Frog  
Bem, bem!

Mother: Car's here!  
Faggot: It's 9:00 already! We're going to miss our flight!  
Mother: Traveller's checks passed.  
Faggot: You have the tickets, darling?  
Mother: Tabitha, did you feed Roddy?  
Tabitha: Oops.  
Mother: I know we've forgotten something. I just know we've forgotten something.  
Tabitha: Roddy, where are you? [opens a door] We'll be back in a few days, so here's enough food for you. Here's a little more.  
Mother: Tabitha!  
Tabitha: Here's a little more.  
Mother: I hope you're not overfeeding him.  
Tabitha: Of course not, Mum.  
Faggot: Come on, Tabitha!  
Tabitha: Bye, Roddy. [closes the door]  
Faggot: We don't want to miss our holiday.  
Tabitha: I'm coming, I'm coming! [closing the door]  
Roddy: [sniffing, sliding down, opening the door] When the cat's away, the mice will play! The holiday starts now, everyone! Music, maestro! [presses the play button]  
[the music begins "Dancing with Myself" by Billy Idol with Generation X playing, grabbing a leg, playing like a guitar]  
Roddy: Hey, what are you all standing around for? I got a big day planned! Let's go, people! Chop-chop! [selecting clothes] Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Hmm. [selecting his shirt back and forth] Mmm. [sits in the car, sitting on a jack, taking his jack out, throwing away] Buckle up, everyone.  
[the car drives backward, with a woman falling off, driving forward and backward, driving down, with a woman falling off]  
Roddy: [the golf club pulls a pea] Fore!  
[the golf club hits the heads, hotting the peas]  
Roddy: [looking at the people with no heads] Oops. Sorry. [vacuums the peas up, whistling, checking off golf] Game point. Service! [throws a beach ball at the man, laying down] We win! We win, team! We win! [claps the action figure, knocking it down, growling, checking off beach, then putting a shirt on, then putting a shoe on, stretching his tie, sliding through a spine cover of movies of Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron, Sinbad: Legend of the Seven Seas, The Road to El Dorado, The Prince of Egypt, Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit, Madagascar, Antz, The Last Castle, Shark Tale, Over the Hedge, Shrek, Shrek 2, Red Eye, Peacemaker, Paulie, Old School (unrated), Mouse Hunt, The Love Letter, Just Like Heaven, Galaxy Quest, Forces of Nature, Kira: Queen of the Schedule, Z is for Zaneta, Macy & Owen's Day Out, Madeleine's Dream, The Chaos of Charis, Nicky & Dylan, The Weisberg Chronicles, The Adventures of Courtney & Brendon, The Julianos of Boca, A Fistfull of Dullards, My Big Fat Greek Bottom, In the Heat of the Fridge, Goon with the Wind, Piddler on the Roof, Puckered Lips Now, Ratman, two Ratman Returns, Ratman Returns (again), All the Presidents Own Teeth, The Mancunian Candidate, Death in Vence II: Zombie, Once Upon a Time in a Vest, You Only Live 9 Times, The Maltese Budgie by Dicky Bird, Brief Incontinence, The Curse of the Fagdy, A Few Good Puns, 12 Angry Folks, Die Again Tommorow, A Clockwork Potato, and Chicken Run, selecting Die Again Tomorrow] Perfect. [walks towards the disc, shitting at the disc, putting in the DVD player, taking the target out, pressing the buttons on the microwave, popping some popcorn, then the car stops, then they watch Die Again Tomorrow] Having a good time, darling? [puts a popcorn in his mouth, tries to get out popcorn out, grabbing the arm from an action figure, spitting it out] Oh, thank you. [throws the arm away, throwing the action figure] See you tomorrow. [drives backwards, going in the house, brushing his teeth, laying down] Good night! [echoing] Good night! Good night! Good night! Good night! Yeah, well. Good night then, Roddy. [continues sleeping, hearing a rumble, gasping] What was that? [looking around] Who's there? Wake up. I think there's someone in the house. Sarge, wake up! [opens the door]  
Action Figure: Approaching enemy lines.  
[Roddy hears a rumble]  
Action Figure: I'm armed and ready.  
Roddy: At ease, soldier. [puts an action figure down, turning on the light]  
Action Figure: Give up your weapons of mass destruction.  
Roddy: Shh! Shush!  
Action Figure: Come and get me, enemy of freedom!  
Roddy: Stop it. That's enough! Shush!  
Action Figure: Tell Mom I love her.  
Roddy: [takes a battery out, hearing a rumble, climbing up, looking around, hearing a gurgle] What?  
Sid: [jumps out of a sink] Yee-ha!  
Roddy: [continues looking around, falling down, looking at the chocolate monster, gasping] Oh.  
[Sid comes out of the chocolate cake, then Roddy turns the flashlight on and off, with the head falling down, screaming, then Sid appears, burping at Roddy]  
Sid: Whoa! [eats cake] Haa! They do not, repeat, not, have the food like this in the sewer.  
Roddy: A sewer rat! Who... What... How did you get here?  
Sid: I don't know. One minute I'm in the pub. Never thing you know, whoosh! It's a burst water main! Off I go, shitting up the pipes. And, well, here I am.  
Roddy: I have a plunger. We can shit you right back.  
Sid: [eats the fish] Do you like seafood?  
Roddy: Can I call you a cab?  
Sid: See food! Get it? [laughing] Have you got a TV?  
Roddy: Well, yes, but...  
Sid: Say no more!  
Roddy: No. Leave that.  
Sid: Geronimo!  
Roddy: No, no, no don't touch anything.  
Sid: Would you look at the size of that monster?!  
[Roddy runs down, taking a deep breath of his paper bag]  
Sid: Gracfully, mate. Those aren't chocolate buttons. [laughing]  
Roddy: Hey!  
[Sid turns on the TV]  
Football Commentator: It's the match of the century!  
Sid: They got final!  
Football Commentator: The FIFA World Cup Final!  
[Sid gasps]  
Football Commentator: England.  
Sid: Yes!  
Football Commentator: Germany.  
Sid: [throws hot dog at the TV] Boo!  
Football Commentator: Live this Sunday. Be there.  
Sid: This place is great! I'm staying here forever!  
[the hot dog lands on Roddy]  
Roddy: What? [thinks of Sid playing ball]  
Sid: Game point. Service! [throws beach ball at Roddy] We win, we win! You lose! In your face! [claps Roddy, growling]  
[cut back to Roddy, turning off the TV]  
Sid: Huh?  
Roddy: Right, my friend. You don't belong here. I'm afraid it's time for you to leave. [taps his toe]  
Sid: I would not do that if I was you, pal. Let me lay this out for you. This place is mine now. Sid says, "Jump," you say, "How high?" Hey! Comprende?  
[Roddy gasps]  
Sid: Fetch us some Pop-Tarts from the kitchen, Jeeves. Oh, and be snappy about it.  
Roddy: Um. Yes, sir. Right away, sir.  
Sid: That's more like it.  
Roddy: But before breakfast is served, perhaps sir would care to take a whirl in the Jacuzzi.  
Sid: A Jacuzzi?  
Roddy: Hmm.  
Sid: [takes Sid to the bathroom] Yo know what you are, you're a real gent.  
Roddy: Well, after a hot day of navigating sewer pipes, there's nothing better than relaxing in a Jacuzzi whirlpool bath.  
Sid: That looks so inviting.  
Roddy: Yes, yes. The water looks perfect! Now you hop in, and I'll press this lever lever to get the bubbles going.  
Sid: Right. In we go! [tries to jump in the toilet] Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I know we got off on the wrong foot before, but I think we're gonna get along, don't you?  
Roddy: Swimmingly.  
Sid: [to Roddy] Be seeing you, my friend. [pushes Roddy in a toilet] You plonker! You think I don't know a toilet when I see one? You were going to flush me down the loo.  
Roddy: No, no, no! It's a big Jacuzzi! Deluxe model!  
Sid: Then you won't mind if I get the bubbles going, will you?  
Roddy: No! Not the lever! Have mercy! No, I can't swim!  
Sid: Bomb voyage, me old cream cracker! [flushes Roddy] Hold your nose!  
Roddy: You can't do this!  
Sid: You were going to try to flush me. Let's see how you like it.  
[the music begins "Are You Gonna Be My Girl?" by Jet playing, swimming the pipe, hitting the pipe, falling in the water, sliding down, grabbing the toilet paper, then the goldfish appears by Roddy]  
Goldfish: Have you seen my fag?  
Roddy: [throws the goldfish, falling in the water, screaming, drowning, dodging the teeth, swimming up, grabbing a chocolate bar, trying to swim backwards] Oh! No! No! [hits a sewer, falling in a water] Oh, no, I can't swim! I can't swim! I can't... [gets up] ...swim. [looks around] I'm in the sewer! No! [runs to the ledge, looking at a slug, then they scream, getting up, looking around] Hello? [echoing] Hello? Hello? Help? [echoing] Help? Help? I'm gonna open my eyes and be home. This is all a bad dream. Oh, I'm not home! I wanna go home! Shush! Stop it. Stop it. Roddy! I want to go home! Pull yourself together! I can't. I'm frightened. Stop it, stop it, stop it! All right, Roddy, old man, you can get yourself out of here, and you will. Never forget, the blood of the courageous. St. James clan flows through your veins. [looks at the slugs, then they all scream, looking at a slug on his back, screaming, running away, hearing a horn, hearing a slug screaming]  
Man: Extra! Extra! Read all about it!  
Roddy: [looking at a sewer door, saying, "LONDON WATER BOARD"] A way out! Yes! [runs to the sewer door, spinning around, falling down to the city picture from ground, zooming out, saying, "LONDON FROM THE SKY BY RODINT"]  
Artist: Hey! That-a took me three years to draw!  
Roddy: I'm terribly sorry. Three years?  
Artist: I just-a finished it this morning!  
Roddy: Three years? [looks at a city] Goof grief! What is this place?  
Man: Hold the bus!  
Woman: Feed the flies! Tuppence a bag!  
Roddy: [looks at the people] It's a real city! Ah!  
[the teacup carries Roddy, spinning around]  
Edna: My smalls!  
Man: Is it a bird?  
Edna: Is it a plane?  
Man: Is that guy wearing my underpants?  
Edna: [to Tex] Make him move, honey.  
Tex: Boy, you got a face like a frying pan!  
Edna: [to Tex] Come on, honey!  
Tex: I don't think he speaks English. Hey, he moved! Did you get it?  
Edna: [takes a picture] Got it.  
Tex: Good.  
Roddy: Sorry, sorry. [bumps Harold]  
Harold: It's coming!  
Roddy: What? Where? Who?  
Harold: The Great Flood! Those floodgates won't hold forever, you know! We're doomed! You think you can back away from the truth!  
Collin: Ello, hello, hello. What's all this then?  
Roddy: Oh, thank heavens! A policeman! This wacko has been chasing after me!  
Collin: 'Morning, Harold.  
Harold: 'Morning, Collin. How are you?  
Collin: Can't complain.  
Harold: Keep an eye on this one. He's a bot of a loony.  
Roddy: What? Me?  
Harold: We're doomed!  
Roddy: What? Me? Are you kidding me?  
Collin: Right. Let's give us a police escort home.  
Roddy: Oh, great! Uh, I live in Kensington. Up there. The surface.  
Collin: Up Top? Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no. The humans don't like our sort.  
Roddy: Speak for yourself. They like me very much up there.  
Collin: Oh, I don't like you attitude. I've got my eye on you, sunshine.  
Roddy: Ooh! Ooh, hot, hot, hot!  
Pegleg: So, you're trying to get Up Top, me hearty?  
Roddy: Yes. [sizzles his hands]  
Pegleg: There's one person 'round here might be able to help you. Might.  
Roddy: Really?  
Pegleg: Shady customer. [puts fries on Roddy's hand] The captain of the Jammy Dodger. If you can find it.  
Goldfish: I know where it is!  
[Roddy walks out, looking around]  
Pegleg: [on megaphone, holding a bottle] And remember, the name of the boat's the Jammy Dodger.  
Roddy: Uh, thanks for bringing me this far.  
Pegleg: [on megaphone] You're welcome!  
Goldfish: See ya!  
[Roddy walks down, looking at the slugs]  
Slug: Beware. Beware.  
Roddy: Hello? Uh, permission to come aboard? [looks at the boat] Ahoy there? Uh... [looks at the hand, moving up and down, walking to Roddy, moving around Roddy, grabbing Roddy] Ow! Yah! Oh! Oh! Sorry. I didn't mean to intrude, Mr. Captain, Skipper Thingy.  
Rita: Hey! That's Miss Captain Skipper Thingy to you.  
Roddy: Oops.  
Rita: What are you doing on my boat?  
Roddy: Look, I've had a really bad day and I just need your help. You see, I've been thrown out of my own home, flushed down my own toilet.  
Rita: Yeah, thank you, too much information. I've got my own problems.  
Man: She's around here somewhere!  
Rita: [presses a button] Stay down. And keep quiet.  
[the boat puts the sail down]  
Roddy: Why? Who are we hiding from?  
Rita: I said quiet! There's rats after me who'd like to kill me.  
Roddy: Well, I'll contain my amazement.  
[Rita groans]  
Roddy: All right, all right. Quiet as a mouse. [pushes a lever, then the horn blares at the sail, falling in the water, then the horn stops]  
Man: Over there!  
Rita: [to Roddy] You idiot!  
Roddy: Sorry about that. [chuckles] I'll be off then. Sorry. [falls down] Ah!  
[the horn falls down]  
Roddy: Sorry. Sorry. Sorry! [falls in the water]  
Man: We can't let her get away!  
Roddy: [gets out of the water] Shh. Shh.  
Rita: Come on, Jammy, me old mate, don't do this to me!  
[the boat bumps the Jammy boat, falling down, then Rita attacks the people, then Whitey grabs Roddy and Rita]  
Rita: Let me go, you pink-eyed freak! [kicks Whitey]  
Whitey: I'm upset now. [looks at Roddy]  
Roddy: Whatever's going on here, I assure you are not involved. [screaming] I'm an innocent bystander!  
Spike: [turns the light on] Rita! Rita! Rita![cackles at Roddy, Rita, and Whitey] You thought you could give us the slip. [slides down, falling in a boat] What are you looking at? Keep still! Come on, then! Right! Who have we got here?  
Whitey: I believe he said his name was Millicent Bystander.  
Spike: [snorting] Millicent!  
Roddy: Actually, no.  
Spike: Now, then, where's the Ruby, Rita?  
Whitey: The boss wants it back.  
Rita: I don't have your stupid ruby.  
Spike: Okay, are we going to do this the easy way, or the hard way?  
Whitey: Oh, I think we should do it the easy way, don't you, Spike?  
Spike: Oh.  
Rita: [sighs] All right. Check the tin.  
Spike: Good girl. See, Whitey, this is how I do it. Watch and learn, my son. Watch and...  
[the can flies Spike up, falling in the can]  
Whitey: Was it in there?  
Spike: Right! Rip it up, lads!  
Rita: Hey, you get your fluffy paws off my stuff!  
[they both laugh]  
Spike: It's in here somewhere. I can feel it in me guts! That'll be last night's curry.  
Whitey: I'm the same. I got a bum like the Japanese flag.  
Roddy: Will you please tell these people I'm not involved in this?  
Rita: Fine. All right, all right, listen up. This gentleman, he's not from around here. Thank you. Just look how nicely he's dressed.  
Roddy: Oh, thank you.  
Rita: And why? Because he's an international jewel thief!  
Roddy: Precisely. What? No, no!  
Rita: He stole the ruby from me! And if you just...  
Roddy: No! No, she's lying!  
Spike: All right, all right! It's time to bring out the Persuader.  
[the nutcracker eats a nut, then they all gasp]  
Spike: Your choice, mate. You can talk now or you can talk later. Ain't that right, Persuader? Yeah, in a much higher voice!  
Whitey: The Persuader's alive, Spike!  
Spike: You'll be singing like a tea kettle.  
Roddy: I don't even know her! I don't know anything about anything!  
Whitey: [grabs Rita] Careful, miss. You'll injure yourself.  
Roddy: I know where it is!  
Spike: Come on, then. Spit it out!  
Rita: Don't you dare!  
Roddy: Look at her bottom. Is it me, or is oddly shaped?  
Rita: You little snitch.  
Whitey: The booty's in the booty.  
Rita: Hey! [grunting, dropping the ruby]  
All: Oh!  
Spike: [grabs the ruby, laughing] Thanks, mate! The boss is gonna be so happy with us.  
Rita: You're toast.  
Whitey: So you're from Up Top, eh? I used to work in a laboratory Up Top. Yeah. Big shampoo job. I was dark grey when we started. Yeah. Still, it cleared up me dandruff. [chuckling]  
Football Commentator: The World Cup has become the most popular sporting event in the world.  
Spike: Are you there, boss? We're back. I've got it, boss. The ruby. I found it.  
Whitey: Well, technically, Spike, it was Millicent that found it.  
Roddy: Um, actually, here, the name's Roddy. Uh, in exchange for my assistance, I was hoping you might...  
[Toad grabs the Fly-Lady by the tongue, turning off the TV]  
Roddy: You might help me out of the pickle I'm in. [yelling]  
Toad: Hello, Rita.  
Rita: Hello, handsome.  
Toad: And who is this? Is your boyfriend a waiter?  
Rita: Boyfriend?!  
Roddy: Waiter?!  
[Spike takes the ruby to The Toad]  
Toad: The prize returns to me. Did you imagine that I'd let you steal it from me?  
Rita: What?! That jewel belongs to my father, and you know it!  
Toad: Your father? A good-for-nothing scavenger, just like his daughter!  
Roddy: Uh, excuse me. Actually, I'm the one that found your ruby. So, you, um... Perhaps you'd be generous enough to repay the favor and help me get home.  
[Toad grabs the Fly-Lady]  
Fly-Lady: Help me!  
Toad: [eats the Fly-Lady] Dispose of them.  
Roddy: No, no, no, please! I just want to get home to Kensington!  
Toad: [gasping] Kensington? The Royal Borough? Up Top?  
Roddy: Uh, yes. Up Top.  
Toad: Huzzah! A man of quality!  
Roddy: Finally, somebody gets it.  
Toad: Come, let me show you my private collection. [takes Roddy] I know you'll find it diverting.  
[Whitey and Spike open a curtain]  
Toad: [laughing] My shrine to beauty. Works of high art crafted in tribute to our beloved Royal Family. Victoria's bust, wrought in porcelain.  
Spike: Classy!  
Toad: Quite lifelike, wouldn't you say?  
Roddy: [laughing] It's as if she were here.  
Toad: [hugs the head] Mmm. Smooth to the touch.  
Roddy: Easy, tiger.  
Toad: [giggling] But come! Let us restore the heart and highlight of my collection, this ruby. Fallen from the very brow of ancient kings. A true crown jewel!  
[Spike turns on the light, playing Rule Britannia]  
Toad: Well, what do you think?  
Fly-Lady: He's a madman! Run away!  
Toad: Pardon me. My fly's undone.  
Roddy: [chuckling] Well, your ruby certainly is a biggie.  
Toad: Indeed. How did it ever find me, here in the underbelly of the world? In this dark, low place.  
Roddy: Yes. Speaking of which, I'd love to see more of your collection. It's very amusing, but I...  
Toad: "Amusing"?  
[Whitey winces]  
Roddy: Uh, didn't you say I'd find it amusing?  
Toad: I said you'd find it diverting, not amusing!  
Roddy: Ah, well, when I said "amusing" I really meant in the sense of the ancient Greek muse, the goddess of inspiration. [grabs a bobble head] Muse.  
[the bobble head breaks, knocking the tower, knocking down like dominoes, touching the head, breaking apart]  
Rita: Smashing.  
[Roddy chuckles, then The Toad growls, inflating the head, then Whitey grabs Roddy]  
Roddy: Oh, heaven help me!  
Toad: Ice him! Ice him both! Let's see if there's anything good in the fridge. Former enemies, one and all. A catalogue of thieves, double-crossers and do-gooders. [cackling] Prepare to meet your maker. Your ice maker.  
Whitey: [chuckling] Makes me laugh every time, that one. Shit that door.  
[Ted pulls lever up, closing the door, then Ladykiller laughs]  
Roddy: Liquid nitrogen! That will freeze us instantly!  
Rita: There's a paper clip in my back pocket. See if you can get it.  
[Roddy walks down, yelping]  
Rita: In the pocket, in the pocket!  
[Toad looks at the pressure, then Ladykiller screws it up]  
Spike: Blimey, it's cold.  
Whitey: That's why I wore me mittens.  
Spike: Huh? Hit men don't wear mittens! Take them off! You're embarrassing me.  
Whitey: Well, it's all right for you. You've got little hands.  
Roddy: Got it! [takes a paper clip to Rita]  
Whitey: They don't get as cold.  
Spike: I ain't got little hands!  
Whitey: Yeah, you have. You got lady's hands.  
Spike: They might be small, but they're lethal weapons.  
Whitey: You got your mother's hands.  
[Roddy unlocks Rita]  
Rita: Right. Put your hands together.  
Roddy: [gives Rita a climb] You could have wiped your feet.  
Rita: Stop squirming!  
[the arrow points on red]  
Toad: Goodbye, vermin. [presses the button]  
[the ice puts in the cup, opening the door]  
Toad: Now, let me see the latest addition to my cubist collection.  
[the ice slides down, then Whitey and Spike are frozen]  
Toad: What?! Impossible!  
Rita: Oi! Kermit! The prize returns to me! [kisses the ruby] You big, fat, slimy airbag!  
Toad: [hits the ice cube] After them!  
[Spike and Whitey lay down]  
Roddy: Why are we stopping? Don't we have a plan?  
Rita: "We"? Who's "we"?  
Roddy: Wait, wait! You can't just leave me here!  
Toad: Faster, you idiots! They're escaping!  
[Whitey and Spike hit the pole, falling down, then they walk up, looking down]  
Roddy: Oh, God! Oh!  
[Rita pulls a master cable, turning off the power]  
Toad: No! Not the master cable!  
Roddy: We have a plan?  
Toad: Put that back!  
[Rita uses a master cable, looking at the city]  
Roddy: Wait, wait! That will never hold both of us.  
Rita: You're right. Toodle-oo.  
Roddy: No, no, wait!  
Spike: Freeze!  
Roddy: [grabs on Rita, sliding down on a zipline] Oh, no! No, no, no, don't break! There are things I want to do, sights I want to see! [takes the belt off of Rita] That wasn't on the list.  
Roddy: [screaming, looking at Roddy] Hey!  
[they both fall down to the pipe]  
Spike: Do something!  
[Whitey grabs Spike, grabbing on like a zipline, trying to slide down, unplugging the plug, then they fall down]  
Spike: Keep your legs straight when you hit the water!  
[they both keep the legs straight, then Whitey splashes in the water, then Spike falls down]  
Whitey: I kept me legs straight, Spike.  
[gets up, then the plug hits Spike]  
Spike: Ow!  
Roddy: Good grief, that's high. Quite high. Rather high. So very, very high.  
Rita: [plugs around the cable, like a belt] Yeah. Cool. See ya! [jumps down on a toilet paper, swinging around on a nail, standing a water faucet, running on a shower, grabbing the pipe, standing on a ledge, jumping down]  
Roddy: [looks at Rita, bowing, running away] Oh, if she can do it. Here goes. [slips on a toilet paper, holding on, ripping apart, falling on a water faucet, shower, boot, and hammer, falling down to the ground] And gently down. [gets up]  
[the soccer ball hits Roddy]  
Boy: My ball. It's my ball, it's mine.  
Roddy: Rita! Rita! [runs down, trying to look for Rita] Oh, where is she? Rita!  
Spike: Target at twelve o'clock!  
[Whitey looks at the time]  
Spike: Oh, come on!  
[Roddy dumps the can, then they look at the banana]  
Spike: Careful, Whitey. That's a banana skin.  
[they both sneak the banana skin]  
Roddy: [continues trying to look for her] Rita!  
Spike: Whew. Over there!  
[they both slip on the slugs, putting on vegetable costumes]  
Roddy: [looks at a boat]  
[the bridge rises up]  
Spike: You look pretty ridiculous now, Millicent.  
[the boat continues sailing, then Roddy falls in the boat]  
Whitey: Keep your legs straight!  
[Roddy falls in the boat, throwing the ruby up, flying in Roddy's neck, running to Roddy]  
Rita: What are you, some kind of a rat boomerang? Give me back my ruby!  
Roddy: I haven't got your ruby!  
[the ruby lands on Roddy's hand]  
Roddy: Okay. Well, now I've got your ruby.  
[Rita tries to get the ruby back]  
Roddy: Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh.  
Rita: Please be careful. That ruby means a lot to me. It's priceless!  
Roddy: Hold on. It's a fake.  
Rita: [titters] No, it's blooming not. It's real!  
Roddy: No, no, no, look, it's just glass.  
Rita: It's real!  
Roddy: Fake.  
Rita: Real!  
Roddy: Fake.  
Rita: Real!  
Roddy: Fake.  
Rita: Real!  
Roddy: Fake.  
Rita: Real!  
Roddy: Fake.  
Rita: Real!  
Roddy: Fake.  
Rita: Real!  
Roddy: Look, look, look. You can tell. Watch this. [breaks the ruby]  
[Rita shrieks, then they look down, with pieces falling in the water]  
Roddy: There, you see? You can't break a real ruby.  
[Rita growls]  
Roddy: Right. I probably shouldn't have done that. But look on the bright side. I saved your neck. Once The Toad knows it's worthless, he'll stop chasing you for it. Roddy St. James saves the day.  
[Rita punches Roddy, falling down, then Rita gets down]  
Roddy: You try to do somebody a favor, and they...  
[the can hits Roddy]  
Rita: A favor? That ruby was from Queen Elizabeth's crown! It fell down the drain of Buckingham Palace!  
Roddy: Well, maybe the Queen wears fake jewelry.  
Rita: Keep still!  
Roddy: Can we just about this?  
Rita: Real or not, that ruby was going to change my life!  
Take Out: Han Chin Chinese takeout.  
Roddy: Yes, I'm being attacked by a madwoman! She's got crayons!  
Take Out: One chicken chow mein. With wonton?  
Roddy: No, crayons!  
Take Out: No wonton! You want rice? Fried or white?  
Roddy: Uh, fried. No, wait!  
Take Out: You want wonton or what?  
Roddy: Cancel that order. [presses a button, walking to Rita] Rita?  
Rita: Just go away, please.  
Roddy: Um, I'm sorry.  
Rita: [scoffs] Sorry? Me and my fag worked these drains for years. He broke every bone in his body to get that ruby. [sighs] It was going to be the answer to all our prayers. Now it turns out it was a stupid fake.  
Roddy: Well, maybe I can make it up to you.  
Rita: Get stuffed.  
Roddy: No, no, no. I mean it. Back at my place, we've got a jewelry box cammed with rubies and diamonds. So, all you have to do is get me home to Kensington, and I'll make you rich beyond your wildest dreams.  
Rita: How do I know this ain't just a load of old rubbish?  
Roddy: Well, I suppose you'll just have to trust me.  
Rita: I must be out of my mind. All right. You've got yourself a deal. [spits in her hand] Go on. You too.  
[Roddy growls]  
Rita: Your own hand.  
[Roddy spits in his hand, giving Rita, giving him a handshake, then cut to Toad]  
Toad: Where are those idiots? It's so hard to get good help these days, my boys. Yep, that's right. Oh, come on out, my lovelies. Cheer your little fag up. Poor Fagdy, surrounded by filthy rats in this joyless, sunless void! But don't worry, little men. Fagdy will get rid of them all! He will. They'll all be deady-weady. [kisses the glass]  
[Whitey and Spike walk to Toad]  
Toad: Did you find it?  
Both: Huh?  
Toad: Ah! Did you find it?  
Spike: Ah, well, we got most of it, boss.  
Toad: Forget the ruby! It's the master cable that I want. The one that Rita took.  
Both: Oh!  
Toad: Without it, my plan is ruined! [steps on a flipper]  
Spike: Okay, chief. Yeah. Forget the ruby. Ruby's gone. [falls down] See? See? Moving on. We are now your cable guys.  
Whitey: Focused. Cable-centric, boss.  
Toad: You need to be back in time for the World Cup Final.  
Spike: Oh! [jumping up] Great! Are we watching the game together, boss?  
Toad: [off screen] Just get the cable! [throws Spike and Whitey out the window]  
Whitey: [off screen] Keep your legs straight!  
[cut back to Rita and Roddy]  
Roddy: Are you sure we should be stopping with all these goons on our tail?  
Rita: We aren't gonna get far without a map, are we?  
Roddy: [off screen] Is that a house?  
Rita: Yes, and it's very dangerous. So...  
[Roddy falls down]  
Rita: ...why don't you wait here.  
Roddy: Waiting here. Excellent idea.  
Rita: Watch out for the piranha.  
[Roddy hugs the pole]  
Children: Rita!  
[Roddy hollers, falling down, getting up, looking at the window]  
Rita: Here you go, Annie. You, Shamus. Mimi, get your finger out of your nose. Jojo, no biting.  
Boy: That is wold good!  
All: Rita!  
[the boy flies in the wall]  
Girl: Ta-da! Rita's back!  
Rita's Mom: Rita!  
Rita: Mum! Oh, Mum.  
Rita's Mom: Thank goodness you're safe.  
Rita's Fag: Rita!  
Rita: Hello, Fag.  
Rita's Fag: Give us a hug, girl!  
[the house slides down, hitting him on Liam, and the girl, falling down]  
Liam: [to Roddy] Why, Mum, there's a peeping Tom outside!  
Rita's Grandma: Tom?! Oh, it's Tom Jones!  
Rita's Mom: Mother, it's not Tom Jones.  
Rita: That's just my passenger.  
Rita's Mom: He's very good-looking.  
Rita: He is not coming in.  
Rita's Mom: Soups on!  
Boy: It's lovely. Thanks, Mum.  
[Fergus skates around, sliding the bowl, then Roddy tries to eat the soup]  
Rita's Sister 1: So how long have you been Rita's boyfriend.  
Rita: He's not my boyfriend.  
[Rita's Sister 1 sticks her tongue out]  
Rita's Fag: Are you gonna make an honest woman of my daughter?  
Rita: Fag!  
Roddy: We were sort of thinking of a spring wedding, weren't we, cream puff?  
Rita: [grabs a spoon] Look, I just want all of you to know he's...  
Rita's Grandma: Tom Jones!  
[Rita sighs]  
Liam: So your name is "Roddy," is that right?  
Roddy: Yes, that's right. Roddy St. James.  
Rita's Mom: What a beautiful name.  
Shocky: Hi, Roddy.  
Roddy: And who might be, little chap?  
Shocky: They call me Shocky.  
Roddy: And why do they call you that?  
Shocky: [shocks Roddy] Shocky!  
Roddy: Yes! Got it.  
Rita's Fag: Rita, where are you taking this handsome young man, then? [drinks his soup]  
Rita: Well, actually, that's why I need your maps, Fag. Because he's from... [clears throat] ...Up Top.  
Rita's Fag: [spits soup out] Kitchen. Now.  
Rita's Grandma: Sing us a song, Tom!  
Rita: I'm not saying it isn't risky.  
Rita's Fag: But it's impossible, Rita. Mo one's ever got past the rapids at Hyde Park.  
Rita: Fag, Fag, Fag! He's gonna pay us.  
Rita's Fag: For the first time, we don't need the money!  
[the floor breaks, then the stove falls down]  
Cockroach: A new stove might be nice.  
Roddy: ♪Talkin' about the little lady!♪  
Rita's Grandma: [off screen] Go, Tom! Go! Sing to my heart!  
Roddy: ♪She's a lady, talkin' about that old lady!♪  
[the underwear flies at Roddy]  
Roddy: ♪And the lady wears big undies! Huge undies.♪ Whoo!  
Liam: Psst! Rita! It's okay. It's me, Liam. Quick, in the kitchen.  
[they both walk to the kitchen]  
Rita's Grandma: Look at those moves! I love you, Tom!  
Liam: This bloke isn't who he says he is. His real name is Millicent Bystander, an international jewel thief. A mastermind, a super-criminal. Looks like he crossed The Toad and got away with it. He's a dangerous man, but I'm a thinker. I've got a plan.  
[Roddy scats]  
Rita's Grandma: More! More!  
[Roddy falls down]  
Rita's Grandma: That was brilliant!  
Roddy: Oh, it was nothing.  
Rita's Sister 2: So, you're from Up Top?  
Roddy: Yes.  
Rita's Mom: I've met one of your lot before.  
Roddy: Oh, really?  
Rita's Mom: Used to be some old lady's pet.  
Roddy: That's nice.  
Rita's Mom: Terribly lonely for him, though. He had no one to talk to.  
Rita's Grandma: [hugs Roddy] No one to cuddle with!  
Shocky: No one to shocky.  
Rita's Mom: Well, that's no life, is it? Oh, I better get these dishes started.  
Roddy: Oh, please, permit me.  
Rita's Mom: Oh, you're such a gentleman!  
Rita: Great! So I hand Roddy over The Toad and claim the reward. Then we're all sitting pretty for the rest of our lives. Is that the idea?  
Liam: The Toad will pay a fortune for him. He's a bad one anyway, so that's all right, isn't it?  
Rita's Fag: Oh, you cheeky little monkey. I won't have no son of mine acting the rat.  
Rita: We Malones never go back on our word.  
Liam: He's gonna steal your boat.  
Rita: He won't steal my boat.  
Liam: He's stealing your boat.  
Rita: He isn't stealing my...  
Liam: He stole your boat.  
Rita: What?  
Liam: [off screen] He's like Robin Hood in reverse.  
Rita: Oi! I thought we had a deal!  
Roddy: So did I! [drives away by the house]  
[Rita's Fag falls in the water]  
Rita's Grandma: This is an emergency! Get out of the way! Emergency! [dives in the water] Keep clear! I'm coming, Mr. Jones, I'm coming! Oh, marry me, Mr. Jones!  
Rita: Roddy! [looks at a duck]  
Roddy: Oh, that double-crossing little schemer. I don't need her. I mean, anyone can get out and sail. Look at me! All right, Sid, you're in for a big surprise.  
Man: [off screen] Look out!  
Roddy: Sorry!  
[cut to Sid]  
Sid: Sid's Tattoo and Hot Dog Parlor.  
Roddy: It's Roddy. Remember me? The butler?  
Sid: Roddy!  
Roddy: Listen, you! If you're still there when I get back...  
Sid: [burps] Back? Back? And how you gonna do that then, Roddy?  
Roddy: [hears a crash] What was that?  
Sid: I gotta go, Rodders.  
Roddy: If I find one thing out of place...  
[the phone falls in the water, then Roddy looks at the gears, turning off the light, sighing, sitting down, shaking his head, then the slugs sing Don't Worry, Be Happy]  
Slug: ♪Here's a little song I wrote. You might want to sing it not for note. Don't worry, be happy. Don't worry, be happy now.♪  
[Roddy sighs, then cut to Whitey and Spike]  
Spike: Where are they hiding? Think. Think.  
Whitey: To find a rat, you got to think like a rat. [grabs a chair]  
Ted: Hey, guys. I've had a tip-off. They're heading west to Kensington.  
Spike: Bingo!  
Whitey: Scrabble! [chuckling]  
Spike: Enough games. To the ratmobiles!  
[the music begins Batman Theme by Neal Hefti playing, then cut back to Roddy]  
Roddy: Okay, okay, we can fix it. Yes, we can. Obviously. [touches the gear, getting shocked by his finger] Fairly major burn to the hand. Smell of burning flesh. Maybe I should just... [touches the gears, getting shocked by fingers, then kicking the fan] Oh, oh, ow! That really hurt. Just start, you worthless old pile of rubbish! You useless, unreliable...  
Rita: Untrustworthy, double-crossing, two-faced, conniving little toe-rag!  
Roddy: Ha! Ha! Oh! So I'm the double crosser? Oh, yes, that's rich! I overheard everything. Yes, you and your family were gonna sell me to The Toad!  
Rita: What? You dipstick! That was my stupid little brother's plan. And no one listens to him.  
Roddy: Ah, must have missed that part.  
Rita: How could you think I'd seel you out? When I make a deal, I make a deal. [to Roddy] Your hair's on fire.  
Roddy: What? Ow! Ah! [puts the smoke out] Oh, God. Rita, look, I'm sorry, all right? I was wrong. And I think we should just put it behind us.  
Rita: Okay. I suppose I can put it behind me.  
Roddy: This is such an overreaction! Rita, you can't just leave me here on a... On a duck! Up the creek without a...  
Rita: [throws a guitar at Roddy] You're getting everything you deserve. Sneaking around, eavesdropping on other people's conversations.  
Roddy: I was not sneaking around.  
Rita: Right.  
Roddy: I say, you can't really intend to just strand me like this. You're not that heartless. Okay, maybe you are. Look, if you're trying to teach me a lesson, consider it taught! I'm on a duck, begging! [looks at the fishing pole, playing guitar] ♪Ice cold Rita. Never did I meet a. Girl who's half so cruel, I offered her a jewel. But she left me stick, stranded on a duck. What a shoddy thing to do to Roddy. Me. That's Roddy St. James of Kensington.♪  
Slugs: ♪Poor, poor Roddy, flushed down his own putty. Rita, can't you find me in you heart to help him?♪  
Roddy: ♪How mean can one rat be? Ice cold Rita?♪  
All: ♪Won't you be sweeter to me?♪  
[the hand grabs Roddy]  
Roddy: Am I forgiven?  
Rita: No. I was just afraid you'd sing another verse.  
Roddy: Rita, I wasn't eavesdropping, I swear to you.  
Rita: Oh, really?  
[the hand drops the guitar, spinning Roddy around]  
Rita: What were you doing, then, Roddy?  
Roddy: Well, I was actually, uh, just watching you with your family, and thinking how lucky you were.  
Rita: [presses a button, putting Roddy back in the boat, walking down, sighing] Lucky? Stuck with you?  
Roddy: So our deal's still on?  
Rita: Sure it is.  
Roddy: [spits his hand on, then Rita spits her hand, giving a handshake] Look, I really want to help out more around here. Just give me a job. Anything, engineer, navigator. I could drive for a bit if you like.  
Barnacle: Pick on someone at your own size!  
Roddy: You heard the captain.  
Barnacle: Get lost!  
Roddy: There's no room for passengers on this boat.  
[the barnacle grabs the knife]  
Roddy: Let go, you sticky little... [throws the knife away, falling in the water]  
Spike: [off screen] I'm the captain, and I say go left.  
Whitey: [off screen] Would that be port or starboard, Spike?  
Spike: There they are! Go get them, lads!  
[the music begins "Bohemian Like You" by Danny Warhols playing, then they splash in the water, then the toaster falls in the water, electrocuting him]  
Roddy: Rita!  
[Ted charges at the boat]  
Rita: Wait for it, wait for it. Now! [pushes a lever]  
[the boat rides down]  
Rita: Have another go if you think you're fast enough! Whoo-hoo!  
[the hand swings Roddy around]  
Rita: Hold on, Roddy!  
Spike: Get that cable, lads!  
Roddy: Whoa! [swings around]  
Woman: You may now kiss the bride.  
Roddy: [grabs the man, kissing the woman, kicking the woman in the water, grabbing the vase] Congratulations, by the way!  
[Rita gasps]  
Man: Watch your starboard!  
Roddy: Rita!  
[they continue charging, then Rita sticks her tongue out]  
Roddy: Rita! Can we go a little faster, please?  
Rita: We don't have to! [opens the door, spilling the whip out] Go, go, purple custard!  
[the man stops in the purple whip, switching to fast, covered in whip, then Roddy swings around, then Rita screams, looking at the sign with Collin, saying, "LONDON WELCOMES GRACEFULLY DRIVERS", going right, swing around]  
Ladykiller: [grabs Roddy] End of the line, Millicent. Oh, yeah! Haha!  
Roddy: [looks at the dinosaur balloon, looking at the hole] Rita, try and go right!  
Rita: What?  
Roddy: Just trust me!  
Rita: I hope you know what you're doing! [spins around]  
[Ladykiller lets go of Roddy]  
Roddy: Now head for the rope!  
Rita: Okay.  
[Roddy grabs the rope, they they all go in, letting go of the rope, then Ladykiller bumps the balloon]  
Ted: Oh, no.  
[they both knock down in the water]  
Rita: Well done, Roddy!  
Roddy: Great! We did it! We did it!  
[Whitey and Spike appear from out of the balloon]  
Roddy: We didn't do it. Whoa! Rita, can you get me back on the boat?  
[Rita presses the A button, putting Roddy back on the boat]  
Roddy: Thank you.  
Rita: You're welcome.  
Whitey: Are you sure about this, Spike? These things are supposed to be dangerous.  
Spike: Danger is my middle name.  
Whitey: I thought it was Leslie.  
[the music ends, then Spike springs at Roddy, grabbing a lid]  
Spike: Just thought I'd drop in.  
Roddy: Rita, do something quick! Anything!  
Rita: [looks at a lid, saying, "DANGER! RED BUTTON", opening it] Hang on tight! [presses a button, going up to empty, going faster, then Spike steps on Roddy, then the cord stretches]  
Whitey: Uh-oh.  
Spike: Any last requests?  
Roddy: Yes, yes. Could you fly quite suddenly off the boat, screaming like a girl?  
Spike: What? [flies to Whitey, screaming]  
[the music continues playing of "Bohemian Like You" by Danny Warhols playing, hitting the pipes, falling in the water]  
Whitey: Oh, dear.  
[the boat sinks in the water]  
Rita: Whoo-hoo!  
Roddy: Oh, yeah! Yes! [looks at Rita with the music of "Sailing" by Christopher Cross playing, in slow-motion] Look out!  
[the music continues "Bohemian Like You" by Danny Warhols playing, then they slide on the wood]  
Man: You darn foreigners!  
[the music ends, opening a parachute]  
Whitey: [to Spike] Do you think the boss will be annoyed with us?  
Toad: You incompetent cheese-eaters! You let them escape? [inflates his face]  
[Spike lays down, gasping, laying down]  
Toad: It's obvious I should never have sent rodents to do an important job. Where is he? Why is he always late? Ooh. [grabs a fly with his tongue]  
Le Frog: En garde! Droit! Parry! Thrust!  
Toad: Le Frog! [puts his tongue back in]  
Le Frog: [leaps on a window, rolling down] Bonjour.  
Toad: You're late, Le Frog.  
Le Frog: Fashionably late, my annoying English cousin. I know no other way.  
Toad: Now, listen. Rita and her new accomplice have stolen something irreplaceable.  
Spike: It's all right, boss! We've got another one! [plugs in the cable, electrocuting him, flying up]  
Toad: A master cable of unique design and purpose.  
[Spike falls in the bag]  
Toad: I want it back.  
Le Frog: [scoffs] Don't worry. I'll get it back for you.  
Toad: Once it is returned, my plan will be complete. To wash away, once and for all, the curse, the scourge of rats.  
[they both wave]  
Le Frog: Forgive me, my warty English cousin, but this bizarre obsession with the rats, it is not good for you. You are becoming what we French call le fruitcake.  
Toad: Perhaps you forget that it was a rat who cast me from paradise!  
Le Frog: Oh, please. Not the scrapbook again!  
Toad: [grabs a book] My memoirs. Volume one details the dire and tragic story of my youth.  
Le Frog: Oh, mon Dieu!  
Toad: Of all the pets in Buckingham Palace, young Prince Charles fancied me the best.  
[Le Frog groans]  
Toad: We would frolic day after my sunny day in royal abandon, sharing that sweet and magical bond between boy and toad.  
Le Frog: You're gonna make me throw up.  
Toad: We were inseparable until it arrived. That rat! While the poor boy's head was turned, I was cruelly plunged into a whirlpool of despair. [sobbing]  
Le Frog: I know, I know. You were flushed away down the loo, right? [drinks juice, spitting out, looks at the bottle, saying, "BRITISH BLISS WINE"] Oi. Boo-hoo-hoo. It is so dark, so cold, so terrible!  
Toad: You find my pain funny?  
Le Frog: I find everyone's pain funny but my own. I'm French.  
Toad: Just get the cable!  
Le Frog: Henchfrogs! We have a mission. Let nothing stand in our way. We leave immediately. [walks away by the Henchfrogs]  
Henchfrog: What about dinner?  
Le Frog: [walks to the Henchfrogs] We leave in five hours.  
[cut back to the boat]  
Slug: [singing] Love, love, love, love.  
[the slug eats the slug]  
Rita: Mmm. This is quite tasty.  
Roddy: Thanks. I don't think it's too bad, considering I only had an apple, six raisins and a box of rice.  
Rita: Rice?  
Slug: ♪What's that urge from deep inside? The need to hurl won't be denied. That isn't nice, that's naggots you're eating.♪  
Bugs: ♪Larva, larva, larva.♪  
Roddy: [throws bugs away] Well, that explains why it all ran to one side when I put the salt in. [coughing]  
Rita: You know, I think we did pretty well today. [scratches her back] I suppose maybe I misjudged you a bit. I mean, you're not...  
Roddy: Do I hear an actual compliment coming?  
Rita: [sighs] Never mind.  
Roddy: No, no, no, say it.  
Rita: You're not entirely the useless, whiny, stuck-up, pompus, big girl's house I thought you were.  
Roddy: There. Was that so hard?  
Rita: Well, we better get some rest if we're gonna get you home tomorrow. Catch. [throws a sock at Roddy] Tell me about yourself, Roddy.  
Roddy: Well, there's, uh, not much to tell.  
Rita: You know everything about me, warts and all. I don't even know what you do.  
Roddy: I'm, uh... I'm in a boy band.  
Rita: Wha...?  
Roddy: Yeah. Yeah, I'm the posh one.  
Rita: [chuckling, laying down] I'm serious. Tell me about your life Up Top. Friends, family.  
Roddy: Uh...  
Rita: You do have a family, don't you?  
Roddy: Of course I do. Uh, brothers, sisters, cousins. We're quite a clan. You wouldn't believe the fun you have. Hanging out at the movies, playing golf, going skiing. It's just so great!  
Rita: No wonder you want to go home.  
Roddy: Yeah.  
Rita: Well, I guess tomorrow we'll both get what we want.  
Roddy: Good night.  
[they both sleep]  
Rita: Good night, Roddy.  
Roddy: Good night.  
Rita: Good night.  
Roddy: [high] Good night.  
Rita: Good night.  
Roddy: [low] Good night.  
Rita: Good night, Roddy. Don't let the bed bugs bite.  
[the bug bites Roddy, screaming, throwing away in the water, then they continue sleeping, then the horn wakes Roddy up]  
Rita: Wakey-wakey! We're getting close to Kensington. Tie down anything loose. It'll be a bumpy ride.  
Roddy: [yawning] Aye, aye, captain.  
[the Henchfrogs look at Roddy and Rita, playing an accordion, grabbing the accordion, then Roddy ties the rope, then the Henchfrog touches the rope]  
Roddy: Ah, thank you.  
Henchfrog: You're welcome.  
Roddy: Ah!  
Henchfrog: Bonjour! Bonjour! Bonjour! Bonjour! Bonjour! Bonjour!  
Rita: Who invited you on board? Hop it. Hop it!  
Henchfrog: Ah, the English little girly, she's so aggressive.  
Rita: [groans] Le Frog.  
Henchfrog: I like a woman with a little fire. [kisses Rita] You're going to pay for that, my little chocolate croissant! But first, a word from our sponsor. Marcel?  
[the Henchfrogs walk out, with woman frog walking in, putting her hands around, then they hear a phone ring, opening it, laughing]  
Rita: I should have known.  
Toad: Well done, Le Frog! I salute you, sir. Now then, Rita, hand it over.  
Rita: Hand what over?  
Toad: [snarls] This dance of deception must end. Return what you have stolen from me. Enough dancing!  
Rita: I don't have it anymore. It was a fake anyway.  
Toad: What? Oh, the ruby. [laughing]  
Henchfrog: He's cuckoo, but family.  
Toad: Oh, this is rich. [hits Henchfrog in the water] The ruby was a pretty thing. [grabs Henchfrog's mouth] Stop that. But nothing when compared to the master cable.  
Rita: The master what?  
Toad: The cab... Turn. The cable! The one you're now wearing as a belt.  
Roddy: Well, if that's all he wants.  
Rita: Hang on. What do you want it for anyway?  
Toad: Oh, you'll see, come the World Cup Final this afternoon. [laughing, then coughing]  
Roddy: The World Cup Final?  
Henchfrog: Okay, okay, cousin, take a breath. Leave it to me. We'll get your cable, kill the rodents, then me and my team can settle down to a decent breakfast. Okay, men, to action!  
Henchfrogs: We surrender!  
Henchfrog: No, not that one, you idiots! The kung fu thing!  
[the Henchfrogs kung fu fight]  
Roddy: I've got a plan.  
[the Henchfrogs continue fighting]  
Rita: Go for it.  
Roddy: [steps on a spoon] Fly at twelve o'clock!  
Henchfrogs: Huh?  
Fly-Lady: Oh, brother.  
[the Henchfrogs grab the fly]  
Toad: Fools! Grab them!  
[Rita climbs up, grabbing the stick to the Henchfrogs]  
Toad: Le Frog! No! Get that cable!  
Henchfrog: Mon Dieu!  
Toad: You rats, this is not over yet!  
[Henchfrog attacks Rita]  
Rita: Roddy! The rapids!  
[they all gasp]  
Rita: Oh, no!  
[Roddy spins the boat around, then Henchfrog attacks Rita]  
Henchfrog: En garde! [laughs]  
Rita: [grabs the tongue] Ha!  
[the tongue attacks Rita]  
Roddy: Rita? We're going over!  
Rita: Do something!  
[the slugs mimic car alarms]  
Henchfrog: No, no, no, no, no.  
[Roddy tries to press the buttons, falling closer to the water, pressing a button, using a hand to grab the pole, then Roddy falls closer to the water]  
Rita: [saves Roddy] Gotcha!  
Henchfrog: [unzips his jacket, opening the face, laughing] Au revoir, mon cherie!  
Rita: Take those flippers off me!  
Henchfrog: [grabs the master cable] I have triumphed! You stupid English, with your Yorkshire puddings and your chips and fish, you thought you could defeat Le Frog? Un... [kicks his hand]  
[the cassette falls in the water, then slug grabs an umbrella]  
Henchfrog: [kicks his hand again] ...deux...  
[the Jammy Dodger opens the latch, opening a bag]  
Henchfrog: [kicks his hand again] ...troits!  
[the boat falls in the water]  
Roddy: Nibble for your life!  
[they both fall closer to the water, opening a bag, flying up]  
Rita: [grabs a master cable] My belt, I think.  
Henchfrog: You rodents!  
[the slugs blow raspberries, then the boat sinks in the water]  
Rita: Goodbye, Jammy, me old mate.  
[the hand waves to Roddy and Rita]  
Rita: Whoa!  
All: Whee!  
[they fly back to Kensington]  
Roddy: We're okay, we're okay, we're okay, we're okay.  
Rita: [to Roddy] Try opening your eyes!  
[they both spin around, screaming]  
Roddy: We're over Kensington!  
Rita: Yeah, only a terrifying 900-foot drop between you and a nice comfortable bed. Where's your house then?  
Roddy: Right, now. Let me see. Inverness Gardens, Vicarage Gate, Kensington High Street. Try and go left.  
[they both go left]  
Roddy: That's it. Now go right. Yeah. Oh, this is gonna be tricky.  
Rita: Oh, yeah, and everything else has been a piece of cake.  
Roddy: All right, here we go. Forty-five, 47, 49, now!  
[they both fall down in the chimney, covered in smoke]  
Roddy: Ow.  
Rita: Well, I've had softer landings.  
Roddy: [laughing] We did it. I'm home. The crew of Jammy Dodger survives!  
Rita: Yep.  
Roddy: Oh, Rita? [looks at Rita] Oh, oh, of course. I'm such an idiot. The Dodger.  
Rita: Wasn't your fault, Rod. Quite an adventure, though, wasn't it?  
Roddy: Rita, I am so sorry. But I think I might be able to cheer you up. [opens a chest] Ta-da! As promised, the Kensington jewels. [takes a ruby] A genuine star-cut ruby.  
Rita: It's just beautiful!  
Roddy: And the best part? [taps the ruby] Unbreakable. [takes a ruby to Rita]  
Rita: I don't know what to say.  
Roddy: You think it will be enough? I mean, to take care of your family?  
[Rita nods]  
Roddy: And maybe this could be the Jammy Dodger Mark Two.  
[Rita gives Roddy a hug]  
Rita: well, I supposes this is it.  
Roddy: Thank you, for the lift.  
Rita: You're welcome. Roddy?  
Roddy: Yes.  
Rita: I don't suppose you'd have time to give me a quick tour?  
Roddy: Of course.  
Rita: I'd love to meet your family.  
[they both go in the car]  
Roddy: Hello? Hello, hello, hello? Anybody home? Wouldn't you know it? Just when you need them all out, every one of them.  
Rita: Wait. Wait, wait, wait. [jumps out of a car]  
[the car bumps in the chair, putting an airbag on Roddy, flying to the wall]  
Rita: What is that?  
Roddy: Oh, that. Um, that's my... That's my master bedroom.  
Rita: It's a cage.  
Roddy: No! No, no, it's not actually.  
Rita: Then why the lock and bars?  
Roddy: Well, that's my, um, home security system. So much to see, so little time to see it in. Shall we?  
Rita: Roddy. You're up all alone up here, aren't you?  
Sid: [off screen] Goal!  
Rita: Who's that?  
Roddy: Um, that would be my brother!  
Sid: Well, what a game! I can't believe it! He shits! He scores! Back of the net! Group hug.  
[the action figure falls down]  
Sid: Oh, hello.  
Roddy: Rita, this is Rupert!  
Sid: What?  
Roddy: Rupert, this is Rita. She's been so looking forward to meeting my brother. Obviously, there's not a huge family resemblance. I rather got the brains and... Well, actually, I got the looks too, but we're very close, aren't we, Rupert?  
Sid: Um...  
Roddy: Well, how time flies when you're having fun! Still, on with the tour, shall we?  
Rita: Hello, Sid.  
Sid: Hello, Rita. How's your fag?  
Rita: Better, yeah. Thanks for asking.  
Sid: Rupert? [laughing] What was that all about? Come here, you little poor thing. Look at this little face. You ever seen anything so pathetic? Brothers? [laughing] All Mr. Lonely has got is a couple of and a little wheel to run around in his cage. Oh, this is too sweet! What a loser! [walks away by Roddy, grabbing an action figure]  
Rita: Aw, it's okay, Roddy.  
Roddy: Okay? Look at this place, Rita? Look at my home. It's a palace! I can do whatever I want whenever I want to. I'd say that's a little more than okay, wouldn't you? I mean, what do I need a family for? What do I need friends for?  
[Rita walks to Roddy]  
Roddy: I'm sorry, but if you have everything you need, then I really have to get going. I have a serious infestation to deal with.  
Rita: I'll say goodbye, then, Roddy St. James, of Kensington. [walks away by Roddy, looking at him, then she continues walking away]  
[Roddy hears a toilet flushing, then sighing, hearing a trio harmonize, singing Mr. Lonely]  
Slug: [singing] Lonely. I'm Mr. Lonely. I have nobody from my own.  
[Roddy closes the window, then the slugs stop singing]  
Football Commentator: Only ten minutes left till halftime. What an amazing match this has been...  
Sid: Come on, England! Oh, this is fantastic! [drinks water]  
Football Commentator: A rare attack here by Germany, but it comes to very little.  
Sid: Come here, bro! Rupert's missing his Rodsy-Wodsy. [laughing] Here, have a cheese puff.  
[Roddy crunches the cheese puff]  
Sid: Have another.  
[Roddy takes apart the cheese puff, throwing away]  
Sid: Here you go.  
[Roddy throws the cheese puff away]  
Sid: No! Duh. You're supposed to eat them.  
Roddy: [to Sid] Move over.  
Sid: What?  
Roddy: Move over! [sits by Sid] I'll take some of that. [drinks a cup]  
Sid: Word of advice, mate. Take it easy with the drink, seriously, or you'll never make it till halftime.  
Roddy: [spits at the TV screen] What did you say?  
Sid: The bathroom. I'm waiting till halftime. I don't want to miss any of the game.  
Roddy: Halftime. He's waiting till halftime! [thinks everything]  
Harold: Those floodgates won't hold forever, you know!  
[Rita pulls the master cable out]  
Toad: No! Not the master cable!  
Rita: What do you want it for anyway?  
Toad: Oh, you'll see, come the World Cup Final this afternoon. [laughing]  
Sid: Half time.  
[cut back to Kensington]  
Sid: Half time.  
Roddy: Of course. That's The Toad's plan! That's why he needs the cable! When everyone goes to the toilet, the whole city will be flushed away! Come with me.  
Sid: Wha...? No! What about the game?  
[cut to the city]  
Football Commentator: And what a game it is! Oh, a nasty fall there for Ray Bowers.  
Rita's Mom: Can you see all right, Fergus?  
Fergus: Yes, thanks, Mum.  
Tex: Where's your helmets? Which one's the quarterback? Pick up the ball! Pick up the ball! Oh, these Brits don't know the first thing about football.  
Toad: Enjoy your last moments, you egregious vermin.  
Spike: I've got Rita, boss! I've got Rita!  
Rita: Get off me, you lab reject!  
Spike: Ha! You missed.  
[Rita kicks Spike in the box]  
Spike: Ow.  
Toad: Ah, Rita. It's so good of you to return the cable.  
Le Frog: Bonjour. [grabs a cable]  
Rita: Hey!  
[Le Frog hops up to Toad]  
Toad: At last! It's mine! [laughing]  
Le Frog: Just take it.  
Toad: [grabs a belt, knocking Le Frog] Let there be light! [puts the master cable back in, laughing]  
[cut back to Kensington]  
Sid: Please don't flush me, Roddy! I can't survive down there! I've gone soft!  
Roddy: [slaps Sid] Sid, I want you to flush me. I'm going back.  
Sid: Back?  
Roddy: Rita's in terrible danger. Everyone's in terrible danger! Now, you like it here, don't you?  
Sid: Oh, yes, Roddy. I like it here very much.  
Roddy: And if I leave you, will you be good to Tabitha, the little girl who looks after me?  
Sid: I'll be as good as gold to her, Roddy. And I will be the best pet ever!  
Roddy: Then the place is all yours.  
Sid: Sweet!  
Roddy: Great! Let's get the bubbles going. I've got a big job to do down there. [jumps in the toilet]  
Sid: Right away, sir!  
Roddy: So long, Sid.  
Sid: [grabs the lever] So long, Rodnick Saint Something of Someplace or older. [flushes Roddy again]  
Roddy: Geronimo! [looks at Sid]  
Harold: And, lo, a chosen one shall come down from above, and he shall be our savior from the Great Flood!  
[the water spills on Harold, then Roddy falls on Harold]  
Roddy: I'm terribly sorry.  
Football Commentator: Just two minutes left till halftime! Incredible! It's a fantasy start for England!  
Roddy: Rita!  
Football Commentator: England leads Germany by three goals to one. What an amazing game this is turning out to be!  
Toad: The grand opening. [pulls lever down, opening the door]  
Football Commentator: And the referee again has to bring play to a halt.  
Roddy: [gasping] Rita!  
Fanseller: Fans for the fans!  
Newspaper Seller: Extra! Pied Piper lures thousands to their death!  
Balloon Seller: Balloons! Balloons!  
[Rita strains and grunts]  
Roddy: [grabs a balloon] Rita!  
[Rita gasps]  
Roddy: Rita!  
Rita: Roddy!  
Roddy: Rita, I'm so sorry. I've been such a fool. Rita, you were right about me. You were right about everything. I should have just admitted that, but I was afraid you wouldn't like me anymore.  
Rita: Roddy, do you think we can talk about this after you rescue me?  
Roddy: Of course. There's no time. When that whistle blows and everyone Up Top goes to the toilet, it's going to flush away the whole city.  
Rita: I know. And my family are all down there.  
Roddy: We've got to warn everyone.  
Toad: Stop them!  
[the runs away, falling down, then Toad grabs the gun, shooting at Roddy and Rita, shooting at the balloon]  
Roddy: Oh, dear.  
[they both fly around, landing on the ground]  
Spike: Whoa! Whitey!  
Whitey: I saw an opportunity and I seized it.  
Toad: So you thought you could make a fool of The Toad, eh?  
[the balloon lands on Toad, shrieking]  
Rita: You don't need us for that.  
Toad: You think you're so clever, don't you? Well, I'll be the one laughing when every last revolting rat is flushed away! For I shall repopulate the city... [opens curtain] ...with these! [laughing]  
All: Eww!  
Whitey: Nasty.  
Tadpole: Is this the Glorious Amphibian Dawn, Fag?  
Toad: Anything for you.  
Tadpole: Can I have a pony?  
Toad: No.  
Tadpole: A puppy?  
Toad: We'll talk about it.  
Tadpole: Can we talk about it now?  
Toad: No.  
Tadpole: Can I have a puppy?  
[the tadpoles overlap]  
Tadpole: Me too.  
Toad: No, you can't all have puppies! Please! Fagdy's working!  
Roddy: We need to get downstairs and pull out that cable.  
Rita: How? It's impossible. [looks at a can, saying, "LIQUID NITROGEN WARNING: RATHER COLD"]  
Roddy: England is winning. Anything's impossible. [takes apart the cord]  
Spike: [slips on ice] Turn it off, Whitey!  
[they both slip and fall down]  
Roddy: Come on!  
Toad: They're getting away! [grabs Spike]  
Spike: Oh. Hi, boss.  
[Toad throws Spike in the jar]  
Spike: Whitey! They're biting my bottom! Help!  
Whitey: I'm coming, Spike! [tries to get Spike]  
Toad: You fools! Grab them!  
Le Frog: Top floor, lingerie, housewares and certain doom!  
[the Henchfrogs leap at Roddy and Rita, then Rita grabs the hose, shooting at the Henchfrogs, getting frozen, then woman frog walks to Roddy and Rita, then Toad jumps down]  
Toad: [grumbles] Do I have to do everything myself?! [slaps the woman frog]  
[they both run away, then Toad jumps on the pipe, then they hear a whistle]  
Football Commentator: There goes the whistle for halftime! We're gonna take a break, but we'll be back in a few minutes.  
Toad: You're too late to do anything! You and your kind are finished!  
Rita: Oh, yeah? Well, come and get us then, you warty windbag.  
[Toad walks on the pipe, getting frozen on the foot, hearing a toilet flushing]  
Rita: Oh, no!  
[they all look at the slugs screaming, then the Toad walks on the pipe, trying to get the foot out]  
Roddy: The gate. Back this way! Come on!  
[Toad grabs Rita]  
Roddy: Rita!  
Toad: If I'm going, you're both coming with me!  
Rita: Just go, Roddy!  
[Toad spits tongue out, dodging Roddy, looking at the gears]  
Roddy: That's it. [dodges on another pipe]  
Rita: Roddy!  
Toad: Stop moving!  
Roddy: Come and get me, you big, slimy airbag!  
[Toad spits tongue out]  
Rita: Roddy, look out!  
Roddy: [dodges, then the tongue lands in the gears] Yes! [runs away, then looking at the flood]  
Toad: Le Frog!  
Le Frog: [gets out of the chair, putting the newspaper away] Let's finish this.  
Rita: Yeah, let me go!  
Toad: Goodbye, rat! [throws Rita away]  
Roddy: Rita! [grabs Le Frog, sticking his tongue on the pipe, saving Rita] Feeling a little tongue-tied?  
Toad: Impossible!  
Rita: [to Toad] Toodle-oo.  
Toad: No!  
[they all scream, then Toad flies away, then they look at the flood]  
Rita's Fag: Wave! Wave!  
All: England!  
Rita's Fag: No, giant wave!  
[they all scream, then Collin blows whistle]  
Roddy: Please work. Please work. Please work.  
[the pipe dumps the water, putting the flood on ice, then the slugs jump out, dropping the ice on the ground, then they all cheer]  
Slug: High five! Oh, yeah.  
[the boy puts the surf down]  
Shocky: Look! It's Roddy and Rita!  
Rita's Fag: Good on you, girl!  
Pegleg: Hooray for Millicent Bystander!  
Goldfish: Millicent! Millicent!  
All: Millicent! Millicent! Millicent!  
Rita: You're a hero, Roddy.  
Le Frog: Big deal.  
[Roddy lets go of Le Frog]  
Toad: You wretched vermin! I'll make you pay for this!  
Le Frog: Give it a rest, cousin. And get your kids a puppy.  
Roddy: Rita, I was wondering if you do build a Jammy Dodger Mark Two, you wouldn't happen to need a first mate, would you?  
[the music begins "Proud Mary" by Tina Turner playing]  
Slugs: ♪Left a good job in the city. Workin' for the man every night and day. Rollin'. Rollin' on the river. Rollin' on the river.♪  
Roddy: [paints the boat] Okay.  
[the hand puts Roddy in the boat]  
Rita's Grandma: Hello, Tom! Give us a squeeze!  
Roddy: [waves to the people] All right, chaps.  
[the slug looks at a bottle, knocking the boat]  
Slugs: ♪Big wheel to keep on turnin'. Proud Mary keep on burnin'. Rollin', rollin'. Rollin' on the river.♪  
[the slugs vocalize, then Pegleg throws the slugs up, then they play with a soccer ball in a newspaper]  
Slug: All right!  
[Roddy dances with Rita, then Rita's Grandma kisses the slug]  
Whitey: Oh, I love a happy ending.  
Spike: Oh, you've gone soft! I like unhappy endings, with lots of violence.  
[the bottle hits Spike, flying away by Whitey, crashing]  
Whitey: Are you, are you happy now, Spike?  
[they all dance, then Rita spins around]  
Roddy: Shall we?  
Rita: Go for it.  
Slugs: ♪Big wheel keep on turnin'! Turnin'! Proud Mary keep on burnin'! Burnin'! Rollin', rollin'! Rollin' on the river!♪  
[the boat goes faster, then Rita's Grandma falls in the water, knocking the people, going faster, passing by Henchfrogs, splashing their umbrellas, then they dance with a woman frog passing by]  
Rita: Where are we going?  
Roddy: I have no idea. But we're gonna get there really fast!  
Rita's Grandma: I'm coming, Mr. Jones! I'm coming!  
[fade to the end credits, then cut to Side]  
Sid: Ah, this is the life, eh?  
[last lines]  
Tabitha: [off screen] Roddy, I'm home! And I've brought your new friend! [holds up a cat meowing]  
[Sid screams]


End file.
